


Relapse is Part of Recovery

by fulltimeintrnthomo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (or at least that's what i had in mind when i wrote it), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Character, Biphobia, Coming Out, Eating Disorders, Emetophobia, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Phil, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Relapsing, Sex-Repulsion due to Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-13 07:00:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13565298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulltimeintrnthomo/pseuds/fulltimeintrnthomo
Summary: Phil comes to Dan's house late at night while Dan is revising. They talk.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this on my tumblr a few months ago, and thought it deserved to be copied over to here

Phil climbed the tree leading to Dan's bedroom at midnight, interrupting his studying. He knocked on the window, and Dan opened it, letting Phil in. "Phil, I was—" He noticed the tear tracks on Phil's face and his tone changed from annoyed to concerned. "What happened?"

Phil dismissed it, saying, "Nothing. I just wanted to take a road trip out to the lookout."

Dan sighed and pushed the topic a little further. "No, Phil, what's really wrong?" He invited Phil to sit on his bed.

Phil sighed. "I...came out to my parents." He put his face in his hands and his next words were muffled.

Dan frowned. He guessed from Phil's reluctance to tell him anything that his family didn't take the coming out well. He quietly rubbed Phil's back in an effort to comfort him. "Phil...you don't have to continue." He kissed Phil's hair. "I can guess what happened."

Phil sobbed. "I thought—I thought they'd be supportive. But now that I know they don't like half of my sexuality...Dan, I didn't know if I could deal with that. So I got drunk." Dan gasped. He was the only person who knew of Phil's past with being addicted to his anxiety medication. Phil continued, "I know. It wasn't the smartest choice. Especially considering my history... I fucked up, Dan. That's all I ever do. I just keep fucking up."

Dan brought Phil close and squeezed him tightly. "You do not keep fucking up. You made a mistake. It wasn't technically a relapse, but you did get drunk." Dan seemed to realize something. "The way you're telling this, it sounds like it happened days ago. When did this happen?"

Phil frowned. "I came out a week ago, and the drunk thing happened last night. I've had the worst hangover all day." He sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Dan. I fucked up. I...I...I re—" He didn't seem able to get the words out, so he rolled up his sleeve.

Dan saw the fresh cuts among the white faded scars and gasped. "Phil..." He was definitely shocked. He knew that relapse was possible—he had relapsed before—but he was looking on the bright side for once. He honestly thought that Phil was over it.

Phil furiously wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't strong enough to—I wasn't strong enough." Dan pulled him closer, knowing that he was the only one allowed to see Phil like this. It didn't happen often, but Phil would break down sometimes.

Dan kissed his hair again. "It's okay, Phil. We'll get through this." He grabbed Phil's hand. "I just know we will."


	2. Chapter 2

Dan knew he had to help his boyfriend get better. _Phil takes priority. Phil deserves to live. I don't deserve that._ So he did what he wished Phil did when he was recovering from self-harm, continuously checking in on him, even to the point of endangering himself. He skipped his own therapy appointments to wait for Phil in the waiting room. He skipped taking his doses so Phil would have money to pay for his medication. He actively exposed himself to his triggers for Phil's benefit, one of his triggers being sex.

After every one of his appointments, Phil came out incredibly horny. When they got home, Dan let Phil fuck him. Every week. It eventually took a toll on his mental health and he found himself in the bathroom, vomiting, crying, and with a razor in his hand most nights. He knew he had to hold it together for Phil's sake, though.

One night, however, he couldn't vomit. He gagged and he gagged but he just couldn't get it out. Usually, all he had to do was gag, but that day he couldn't. Come on, come on, he begged. Just come out. It's easy. Normally, he wouldn't sweat it if he couldn't vomit. But he had had a lot of food that day and was banking on this. So he did something he never did before. He stuck two fingers down his throat, activating his gag reflex. All the food he had eaten that day came out, and he felt satisfied.

He found sticking his fingers down his throat was easier and faster than gagging, so he switched to that method. _Fingers down the throat, grab the razor, two cuts on the thigh._

-

It wasn't long until Phil got suspicious. They were laying in bed together and Phil asked, "Dan, I've noticed you've been getting skinnier. And you're starting to get really pale. Your knuckles are wearing down, too. What's been happening with you? Are you…making yourself throw up?"

Dan smiled nervously, trying to feign innocence. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Phil saw through it right away. "Bull. Shit. You are making yourself throw up. I've done it enough times to know what the signs are that someone else is doing it!"

Dan nodded shamefully. "I am. You don't know this about me—I've never told anyone—but I've struggled with weight issues before. Before I knew you. I was always Dan the fatty. It got to be too much, so I started making myself vomit by gagging. I got over it a few months after we started going out, but I—" he faltered. He didn't want to make Phil feel bad by telling him the reason he relapsed.

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, hugging him the best that he could. "You relapsed. It's fine. It's part of recovery."

"639 days…," Dan whispered.

"That…?" Phil asked.

"I went without vomiting with the intention of losing weight. Sure I had the flu in between there, but I wasn't vomiting with the intention of losing weight. Now I lost all that progress and I'm back at square one."

"Well, did you vomit today?" Phil asked. Dan shook his head. "Then that's one day down. 639 to go to beat your last record." Phil's voice dropped to a whisper, "And, for the record, you're beautiful. You don't need to lose weight. You're my handsome boyfriend."

Dan smiled. "Um…I know that we've been fucking after your therapy sessions, but I'm not comfortable with that. I'm—" He sighed. "I'm asexual. Sex-repulsed. I had some trauma related to sex before, and had it not been for that, I'd probably not be sex-repulsed."

Phil frowned and held Dan closer. "Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't've forced you into it if I had known you were uncomfortable."

"Not just uncomfortable. I'd go so far as to say it's a trigger." Phil sharply inhaled. "But I let you do it because it was making you happy."

"Dan, don't sacrifice your mental health to make me happy," Phil said. "Especially if it's triggering to you, holy shit, don't do that."

Dan frowned. Now that he started, he just couldn't stop. "I've stopped going to my sessions and stopped with my medication, which I regret so much. It made me break my 100 day streak of not self-harming. I've relapsed in a _bad_ way. I wouldn't be surprised if you sent me to hospital."

Phil frowned. "Do you want to go into hospital?" Dan shook his head. Phil kissed his forehead. "Then I won't send you there. We'll get you better, and if you feel yourself slipping, you're gonna tell me. If you feel like you can't do it on your own, then you might have to go there. But there's one important takeaway from this and that is no secrets. None."

Dan nodded, cuddling into Phil.

-

It was a slow start, but Dan eventually started to not feel nauseous after eating. He and Phil developed a bathroom schedule, where Phil would only let him in the bathroom at those times. The first time he ate all his breakfast, he beamed. "Phil! I ate all my breakfast! Took an hour, but I did it!"

Phil beamed and tightly hugged him. "Dan, I'm so proud! Even if it took an hour, you still did it!"

Dan blushed. "It was a bowl of cereal. It shouldn't take an _hour_ to eat a bowl of cereal."

"But you did! And you're getting better! For the last week, you've been eating half of a smaller portion." Phil smiled. "I'm proud."

The same day, he ate practically everything in the house and vomited while Phil was out. He burst into tears when he finished. He needed to be punished. So he grabbed one of Phil's old razors, took it apart, and made two small cuts on his thigh. Still sobbing, he took his new razors into his bedroom and put them in a shoebox under his bed.

_He couldn't let Phil know. He couldn't let Phil know. He. Couldn't. Let. Phil. Know._

He buried himself in his blankets and cried. Phil came back and yelled, "Dan?" He flipped on the lights. "Are you here?" Dan shut his eyes. Maybe if he pretended hard enough, Phil would think he was asleep. Phil walked in. He said, "Dan, I know you're awake. And you didn't flush the toilet." Dan sighed and rolled over, tears in his eyes. Phil frowned and wrapped his arms around Dan. "It's okay."

"No, it's not. I fucked up, Phil. I was doing so well. So well. But then I ate nearly everything here and then I felt so bad, so I vomited it all back up. I—I might not be able to do this on my own. I think…I think you need to send me to rehab."

"Dan, it's only been a week. And it was just one screw up. You don't want to go to rehab. Let's give it a little while longer. If you still feel like you can't handle it, then we'll talk about rehab for you."

"No! Phil, can't you see? I can't do this on my own. I can't get better on my own! You need to send me to rehab."

"Do you want to go to rehab?" Phil asked.

Dan shook his head. "But I have to. I relapsed in a very bad way, and it was stupid of me to think I could do this on my own."

Phil frowned. "I'll do it, but only if you're sure."

Dan smiled and nodded. "I'm sure. It's the only way for me to get better."

**Author's Note:**

> Read it on Tumblr: http://bit.ly/2E0Krkm


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